Mark Gillett

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Before you can “join the dots……”

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My last post addressed joining the dots in your life but before we do this we need to identify a few things about ourselves. What drives us? What are our core beliefs? What are our passions? What are our limiting beliefs and even perhaps where do these come from?

We are shaped by our beliefs. Who we be is determined by so many factors.. Genetics, nature, nurture and within these there are a zillion reasons for why we are like we are. One of the key factors is our childhood. How we were educated both at home and at school, however, the strongest influence even if you were at boarding school for most of your youth is how we were parented. It is our parents who are the key educators. Or in many cases, un-educators. Yes, so many of our limiting beliefs will come from our key role models.

Take for example labelling. I over exuberant boy, full of fun, full of mischief. What do parents do? Some will tell them they are naughty.. The boy hears this a few times a week “naughty boy” and then more “naughty boy!”. He grows with it accepting he is naughty. So he continues to be naughty as this is the label he has been given and what he knows best. It gets him attention. This begins to shape him. Then next boy is allowed to just be over exuberant and do what he likes. He is told exactly that. “Oh he so full of life, so energetic. Never sits still”. And so begins his shaping…..No discipline, little concentration but full of life…

And here is the big one and the one I hate most! “Oh she is so shy”. Parents take their children somewhere and the child chooses not to speak to the overbearing adults (often close friends) who are 4 feet taller and a 120 lbs heavier, loud voices and pats on the head. The child is accused of being timid or not socially developed – shy. But surely this is quite normal, even for adults when meeting new people so why does it make the child shy if they are suddenly speechless in a social environment? Mostly because the parents are embarrassed by it because of the parenting they received and so the cycle continues.

Our sporting life develops in much the same way. As a child our parents might tell us constantly what we are doing wrong, how to play the game, what we should have done and so on… We feel useless or in capable and wonder why when we grow into adults we can’t perform and feel insecure. Or perhaps they tell us its all good and we are brilliant and the “best in the world” when actually we are not at all.. I have been horrified by what some parents tell their kids. But then as parents we get no training. We need a degree for a job and only to be able to breathe to have kids!

Our shaping continues through our early years into our teens and other people begin to have a part in our being. Teachers, politicians, friends and so on. Gradually we form into who we be today. What a gamble we take every day….

It is now as adults when we want to see change that the real hard work begins. We have formed habit patterns that hold us back and only if we change these can we move forward. This can be a long process but worth it in the end. Breaking some of these can allow us to be the real person within and not the one shaped by others. It will allow us to grow and be able to join the dots in our lives and lead more peaceful existences. It will allow us to be who we want to be. For some people there may not be much to do. Their lives maybe happy and for others there may be a huge amount. And of course it only matters if you want change, of course.

Written by markgillett

September 21, 2010 at 3:39 pm

Posted in Coaching, Life, Photography

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